Headlines We’d Like to See

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Henry Kissenger Subpoenaed To Testify in Trial of Chilean Dictator;
Extradition Likely, International War Crimes Charges Possible

Dow, Nasdaq Down; Elvis, Rasputin Sightings Up;
“Odd Couple” Spotted At Truck Stops Along I-80

George W. Bush Admits Being 3rd Grade Dropout;
“Fooled you!” Sez Prez

New York Decency Commission Plans Spontaneously Combust In Ring Of Heavenly Fire;
Guiliani Denies Any Possible Divine Intervention In City’s Latest Attack on The Arts

River Otter Elected Governor Of Ohio;
Swing “Cuteness Vote” Proves Decisive

Mr. Big Turns 14, Crawls Across Aquarium in Celebration

Sandwich Eats Annoying Restaurant Patron

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